Something that makes me smile

My frangipani tree in my backyard!!!

My seriously most favourite favourite flower in the whole world. Has been for a long time! To me it represents the beach and the lifestyle that I love and grew up with..

I brought this tree last year from the local hardware store for a super steal of $10. It had flowers when I purchased it and has flowered again this year. They smell just divine and I can't wait until the tree is bigger and has lots lots more flowers on it : )

I am going to fetch a bigger (and nicer!) pot for it today from the hardware store and do some gardening and repot the other two smaller frangipani trees I have too. Our backyard is in full sun most of the day so a great place to grow them!! They like a little bit of neglect (haha!) so are the perfect plants for me who Joel always says is a black thumb and constantly killing everything ; )

Blah!

I want to write a big massive vent about so much 'crap' that seems to encircle my life at the moment but seems rather pointless considering no-one reads this anyway!


But I will say, it's a massive kick in the guts when people who claim to be your friend turn their backs on you when you are struggling. In the last year I've "felt" like I have lost a fair few friends who seem to decide I'm not worth the effort or time to check up on. Why? Well I have no idea! I don't think I've done anything to 'deserve' it.... Blah! Blah! Blah! Easy to say "Oh you will get over it, they weren't worth your time" Hard to just get over it when you invest SO much time in supporting them!


Makaia started kindy yesterday. Wow. Where did 4 years go? I feel sad and frustrated that I feel like I've spent 4 years being shitty and pissed off. They are taking Zahli weekly for occasional care one morning to give me a bit of a break. I can't wait to just have one baby. I am not sure what we will do. Probably just hang out at home. How boring! 


Three things i am thankful for today 
#1 - That Makaia loves kindy and doesn't cry when I leave
#2 - For the chance to prune my rose bushes out the front this morning with Zahli's "help" whilst Evie slept
#3 - For the understanding lady at occasional care going beyond the norm to help me out by taking Zahli in weekly...


:) 

Oz-straylia Day 2010

So I missed a few days - doh! There goes that "50 things to do" this year goal out the window.. 

In my defence, I've been feeling insanely tired from the meds, messing with my sleep!

Have had a rough time adjusting to it all... It takes me a good couple of hours of feeling light headed before I feel "normal" again. Have completley lost my appetite (not a bad thing I suppose when I need to loose weight so desperately) but makes it hard to get motivated to eat anything! I have been trying to avoid soft drinks and cordial completely as I doubt the caffeine/food colourings were doing my health much good!  

Tomorrow Makaia starts kindy full time so I am going to be heading to bed shortly and will take my meds as soon as I wake up so hopefully the worst of the light-headed-ness (is that a word?) has subsided by the time I have to do the kindy run. I had a spacing out moment the other week and had a close call car accident. Was quite scary. Have been trying to avoid driving since then! Don't want another car accident...

Here's some photos from today's Australia day... 

Zahli "swimming" with Aunty TTina

Totally fearless - backwards into the pool.... Guess who is starting swimming lessons this week! LOL!

Just because it's a cool photo. Love my camera : )

Evie hanging out the side of the pool (literally) Checking out the ants...

Having a swim with Daddy 

Somehow didn't get many of Makaia in the pool, but here was a quick snap of her glancing over Gandma's shoulder : )

This was tonight once we were home and the older two had carked it in bed (Zahli was in bed asleep at 5pm!)

Evie was 5months old on the 21st. Getting so big now. Time has gone SO fast since she was born. Makes me a little sad but I am looking forward to the next stage of 'babyhood' as no doubt this will soon pass also!

Her "fuzz" on her head. I have been asked SO many times if she is a boy. Doh! Just because she isn't blessed with the "hairy" gene doesn't mean she is a boy! Zahli had about this amount or less when she was Evie's age so I am not too phased

These next few below were taken Monday when Makaia and Zahli were up at Nanna & Poppa's house (Joel's parents). I had to go back to the GP to talk to her about how I'm going on the medication and how i've been feeling. All went well and I'm due back for another checkup and chat on the 8th feb. In the meantime just plod along taking the stuff and see the psychiatrist and have a chat with them. At least I'm making progress

Evie started solids the other week.. (My last post I think?) She's decided she likes Rusks. I hate the things!!! They are awfully messy and sticky and get thrown on the floor more times than I care to pickup! Need one of those dummychain type things so she can't throw it away.. haha!

Yes she scratched her own face BTW ; )

Don't often get photos of her smiling ... Such a gorgeous smile. So precious!

Check out the chubby arms... She is 8kgs already : )

Looking for the missing rusk - haha! Very funny. Notice my relatively new dining suite in the background? Got it just before Christmas. Still in love with it!! 

As a part of my 'therapy' (is that what it is called?) my Dr asked me to write down 3 or more things every day that I am thankful for. To retrain my brain to think more postively instead of focusing on the negatives all the time. So here is today's thankful list (in no particular order)

#1 - For my beautiful children who continue to make me laugh and smile even when I'm not feeling 100%

#2 - For the lunch I didn't have to cook or prepare at Mum's today

#3 - For my washing machine that washes tonnes of clothes all at once so I don't have to do extra loads

#4 - For being forunate to live in this awesome country called Australia where life is so simple and carefree and we don't have to worry about the kinds of things that elsewhere is considered 'normal'

Adios for now! Off to hang washing and get Makaia's things ready for kindy in the morning! Stay tuned for photos of the big kindy girl tomorrow evening. Not sure what Zahli, Evie and myself will be doing! Perhaps going to the shops to find curtains for Evie's nursery. Will seem strange with one less child : )

Mxxx

Twenty One Twenty Ten

Today we spent the day at the beach with my awesome sister :)

I have a lot to be thankful for. The clouds are slowly lifting and my brain and thinking seems to be improving, as well as my attitude. I really noticed it today compared to last time (pre-diagnosis) when we went to the beach...

Anyway... some photos! Practicing with my SLR Camera (Canon 450D)

Zahli throwing handfuls of wet sand

My fabulous sister with my three girls

Waves breaking over the sandbank

Zahli playing with the new sand set she got - makes bricks. Loving the clouds in the sky today. Gorgeous!

With her trowel and mold :)

Beach - totally unedited. Sky was so blue

Zahli again

Action shot of Makaia running away from the camera... Very hard to get nice photos of her... Goal for 2010 to improve on that

Boat rather close to shore and the sandbank.. hmmm....

EVIE!!! Has learnt to blow raspberries. Latest trick. Cute

Just chilling out in the water (Yes my kids wear loads of sunblock)

Watching the water and the fish swimming around

Favourite photo of today. Tan. Water droplets. Rockin' Bathers. Beautiful daughter.

Lone kayaker in the shallows

Tonight heralded the start of solids for bubba girl Evie... Rice cereal of course. 

"WHAT THE..." - hehe 

Just relaxin' in my Antilop

Makaia wanted to have a turn feeding the baby (excuse the crap on the bench in the background - sister took these shots - blaming her!)

Evie thought it was pretty funny. Ate more for Makaia then she did for me...

Zahli had to have a go as well of course

Aiming for the mouth

Success!

Having a taste of a rusk. Not a huge fan of rusks here. They make so much mess! Check out her rolls. She's almost 8kgs at 5mnths. Very very healthy baby! Considering Kaia was 4.8kgs @ 6mnths Evie seems huge to me.

Totally knackered after a big day at the beach...

Sweet dreams my beautiful perfect princess xxxx

Day two

I survived.

Phew.

The side effects were less today. I didn't have a lot of sleep last night. A lot of tossing and turning. My jaw muscles hurt. Not sure why. Probably also a side effect. J got called out so that meant more times being woken up than average. Perhaps should have started the meds once he wasn't on call - ha!

Mum came and helped clean the house today. Apparently I am not coping and she thought I needed help... like i've been trying to say for the last... hmmm how long? Perhaps I will budget in a get a cleaner. She is apparently coming friday to help with some other things too. Like a wise friend said "If it were your daughters you would want to help too" True true!

Tomorrow we are planning a trip to the beach. Last time we went Zahli had a ball and didn't want to leave. Will get me out the house with someone to talk to. Perhaps the fresh air will do me good.

My brain feels fuzzy. Not so stressed and working at 300million miles an hour. Maybe the drugs are working. But then I wonder if it's a state of mind and maybe they aren't doing anything yet. I'm not sure what kind of time frame I am expecting for them to work. A few days perhaps? A week or something? I shall endeavour to find out..

My two favourite things. Beach and frangipanis. Tomorrow WILL be a good day :)

Flickr Pic

Rainbows in the sky

So today I bit the bullet, confronted my fears. 

I took myself down to a new GP, one who was recommended to me by a few people (that didn't know each other had recommended the same Dr) I called last week to make an appoinment. When the receptionist said she wasn't taking on any new patients, especially the "non-pregnant" ones, I burst into tears. I told her I was recommended this particular GP for PND issues. She said she would get the Dr to call me back. "Yeah right" I was thinking in my mind. But sure enough, the next day she DID call me back and fit me into her very busy schedule for this morning...  Hence where we are where we are now... ;)

I was crying on the way there. I was nervous. I felt like going home numerous times before I even got there, heck I was sitting in the waiting room and I felt like walking out. I thought about not arriving. I thought about leaving. I felt sick in the stomach. I was scared. I was rehearsing in my mind what I was going to say and trying not to cry each time...

When she finally called me in, no sooner had she closed the doors and I burst into tears. For real. Big fat ones rolling down my cheeks, unstoppable....

All the stress, frustration, hurt, anger, bad thoughts, feeling worthless, overweight, insignificant -- All came flooding out at once. Once I started I could hardly stop :( 

Through my tears I told her as much as I could without spending the whole day there. My issues. The shit. My gorgeous kids and other half. All the family 'stuff' that overwhelms me. I'm not sure if I made any sense to her but she seemed to understand, and after she said she went through PND herself when she had her children, it made me realise that I really am not the "only" person in the world feeling so crappy (although in my mind I am... blah!)

Diagnosis - Post Natal Depression. Of course!! I did this test on the Beyond Blue website on the weekend and scored 24 out of a possible (maximum score) of 30. Shit. Me. I re-did the test, not once, but THREE times to make sure my eyes weren't fooling me, that I'd read the instructions right.. Boy did I get a shock. Me? PND? Never! I don't want to cut myself, I don't want to harm myself, I don't want anything to happen to my children, I don't beat my kids up or neglect myself. 

I'm not depressed, I'm just having a bad day.... 

Well that's what I've been telling myself for months now, years even. I have probably had PND since I had Makaia. She just had her 4th Birthday. That is a LOOOOONG time to pretend like you are normal to everyone regularly.

I suppose I am just so used to saying "Yep, I'll be fine, Just another hurdle" that its' second nature. I actually didn't know that all these feelings I was feeling AREN'T normal and are infact, symptons and signs of a chemical imbalance in your brain that you can't just "fix" yourself. Medication will help. As will changing some aspects of my life and my attitudes. Was I shocked? Well not really. I've talked to my "normal" GP at least 4 times about thinking I am not coping in the last 4 years. Every time I have been brushed off and told I am fine, that I am coping fine, that I'm a good mum and it's just bad days. They will pass. Well I'm at breaking point now and have had enough of being brushed off, being told it's "Post natal stress" (biggest cop out ever!) and still coming home and feeling like complete and utter shite....

The medication has kicked in. I am having a few pretty crappy side effects. Shaking. Dizziness. Sore jaw. Jittery. Actually feel like I have taken ecstasy tablets. I dove in and took a whole tablet straight up as she suggested. My body will adjust I suppose! She probably should have warned me of a few other symptoms I'm having and infact I probably need another adult here with me while I am with the girls. Better to be safe than sorry. I want to be better asap. If I am still feeling crap in a few days she said to drop it back a little till I adjust then change it as we need.

Today is the day. That moment you see a little crack of light through the clouds, those deep dark grey and black clouds that cast a shadow under anything and everything underneath it. That one little shred of light is the one thing I am clasping onto so tight right now. Things will get better. They will improve. I will become the mum I always thought I was going to be back when I was a kid... One day soon my brain will function the way it's supposed too, not the way it is.

I don't want to feel this shitty way anymore. The grumpy mum that drags herself out of bed every morning. The one who yells at the kids. The one unmotivated to clean the house and keep up with the washing. The one who snaps at her partner for the smallest reasons. The one who lies in bed at night worrying about crap that is completley out of my control. The one who picks fights with her partner. The one who takes everything too personally. The one that gives and gives and gives until I have nothing left to give or for myself.

It all stops. Now.

Onwards and upwards!

This is my aim - a rainbow in the sky. In my mind. Something that is beautiful. One moment created at that moment in time. I want my life to be moments like rainbows. All of them

M xxx

Dollshouse complete!

Makaia's turning 4 tomorrow. Wow.. 4 already! We got her a new dollshouse to fit her barbie collection she has happening. Plus a bunch of other stuff including a dora cricket bat so there is going to be tonnes of hallway cricket happening in our place over the next few days (forecast temp of 43degrees for the next 3 days! Yuck!) Finished putting it together by myself in an hour - excellent! Almost as tall as me - ha! Well it's 1.3m tall which is rather impressive for a Barbie house! Makaia is going to be stoked! :)

I better trot off and ice this Transformer cake for a friends son ready for his Par-tay on sunday then get some shut eye... I am yet to even bake a cake for Makaia.. she is helping me do that tomorrow! She's requested a strawberry cake with strawberry icing with butterflies - very girly!

Photos to come ;)

x

2010....

So I am going to write a list of 50things I want to achieve in 2010. Some of them might seem 'stupid' or not huge goals to others... but they are to me else they wouldn't be on this list! Something to work towards. Not quite new years resolutions but similar I guess!!

1- Join the gym

2- Declutter the whole house

3- Go on a Hot air balloon ride

4- Get a massage

5- Save $5,000

6- Run 3km's

7- Complete Project 365

8- Loose 20kgs

9- Buy a new bookshelf & buffet

10- Meal plan for dinner every week

11- Get Zahli to sleep in a bed instead of her cot

12- Teach Makaia how to write her name

13- Blog every day from now on

14- Learn how to knit something besides a scarfe

15- Sew 3 outfits for each of my daughters

16- Go on a gondola ride

17- Get engaged

18- Finish a cake decorating course

19- Set up an online store

20- Complete the nursery

21- Sort out my sewing/craft supplies

22- Sell off all the baby stuff once we've finished with it

23- Learn how to use my DSLR

24- Take a photo of a sunset

25- Travel interstate

26- Go on a holiday

27- Have a child-less night out with friends once a month

28- Stay in an expensive hotel

29- Get a pedicure

30- Stop biting my fingernails

31- Toilet train Zahli

32- Make 5 new friends

33- Learn to stand up for myself more

34- Tupperware my whole kitchen

35- Grow frangipani plants from seeds

36- Style my hair and wear makeup when I go out of the house and just because I can at home

37- Set up a surprise for Joel for our anniversary

38- Take the girls to swimming lessons

39- Maintain a house cleaning routine

40- Have dinner in an expensive restaurant

41- Make (and drink) a long island ice tea

42- Go for a drive with no official destination and make a day of it

43- Complete city to bay fun run

44- Complete my christmas shopping before december 1st

45- Sell 1,000 girls non-slip hairclips

46- Have a stall at the baby markets

47- Improve relationship with joel

48- Hire a cleaner and a nanny

49- Not spend any 'extra' money outside of bills/food for a whole month

50- A weekend retreat away from adelaide with Joel

:)

Do you say "twenty ten" or "two thousand and ten"? LOL! Been mulling over this since New Years Eve...

HNY

Happy New Year!!!

:)