Rainbows in the sky

So today I bit the bullet, confronted my fears. 

I took myself down to a new GP, one who was recommended to me by a few people (that didn't know each other had recommended the same Dr) I called last week to make an appoinment. When the receptionist said she wasn't taking on any new patients, especially the "non-pregnant" ones, I burst into tears. I told her I was recommended this particular GP for PND issues. She said she would get the Dr to call me back. "Yeah right" I was thinking in my mind. But sure enough, the next day she DID call me back and fit me into her very busy schedule for this morning...  Hence where we are where we are now... ;)

I was crying on the way there. I was nervous. I felt like going home numerous times before I even got there, heck I was sitting in the waiting room and I felt like walking out. I thought about not arriving. I thought about leaving. I felt sick in the stomach. I was scared. I was rehearsing in my mind what I was going to say and trying not to cry each time...

When she finally called me in, no sooner had she closed the doors and I burst into tears. For real. Big fat ones rolling down my cheeks, unstoppable....

All the stress, frustration, hurt, anger, bad thoughts, feeling worthless, overweight, insignificant -- All came flooding out at once. Once I started I could hardly stop :( 

Through my tears I told her as much as I could without spending the whole day there. My issues. The shit. My gorgeous kids and other half. All the family 'stuff' that overwhelms me. I'm not sure if I made any sense to her but she seemed to understand, and after she said she went through PND herself when she had her children, it made me realise that I really am not the "only" person in the world feeling so crappy (although in my mind I am... blah!)

Diagnosis - Post Natal Depression. Of course!! I did this test on the Beyond Blue website on the weekend and scored 24 out of a possible (maximum score) of 30. Shit. Me. I re-did the test, not once, but THREE times to make sure my eyes weren't fooling me, that I'd read the instructions right.. Boy did I get a shock. Me? PND? Never! I don't want to cut myself, I don't want to harm myself, I don't want anything to happen to my children, I don't beat my kids up or neglect myself. 

I'm not depressed, I'm just having a bad day.... 

Well that's what I've been telling myself for months now, years even. I have probably had PND since I had Makaia. She just had her 4th Birthday. That is a LOOOOONG time to pretend like you are normal to everyone regularly.

I suppose I am just so used to saying "Yep, I'll be fine, Just another hurdle" that its' second nature. I actually didn't know that all these feelings I was feeling AREN'T normal and are infact, symptons and signs of a chemical imbalance in your brain that you can't just "fix" yourself. Medication will help. As will changing some aspects of my life and my attitudes. Was I shocked? Well not really. I've talked to my "normal" GP at least 4 times about thinking I am not coping in the last 4 years. Every time I have been brushed off and told I am fine, that I am coping fine, that I'm a good mum and it's just bad days. They will pass. Well I'm at breaking point now and have had enough of being brushed off, being told it's "Post natal stress" (biggest cop out ever!) and still coming home and feeling like complete and utter shite....

The medication has kicked in. I am having a few pretty crappy side effects. Shaking. Dizziness. Sore jaw. Jittery. Actually feel like I have taken ecstasy tablets. I dove in and took a whole tablet straight up as she suggested. My body will adjust I suppose! She probably should have warned me of a few other symptoms I'm having and infact I probably need another adult here with me while I am with the girls. Better to be safe than sorry. I want to be better asap. If I am still feeling crap in a few days she said to drop it back a little till I adjust then change it as we need.

Today is the day. That moment you see a little crack of light through the clouds, those deep dark grey and black clouds that cast a shadow under anything and everything underneath it. That one little shred of light is the one thing I am clasping onto so tight right now. Things will get better. They will improve. I will become the mum I always thought I was going to be back when I was a kid... One day soon my brain will function the way it's supposed too, not the way it is.

I don't want to feel this shitty way anymore. The grumpy mum that drags herself out of bed every morning. The one who yells at the kids. The one unmotivated to clean the house and keep up with the washing. The one who snaps at her partner for the smallest reasons. The one who lies in bed at night worrying about crap that is completley out of my control. The one who picks fights with her partner. The one who takes everything too personally. The one that gives and gives and gives until I have nothing left to give or for myself.

It all stops. Now.

Onwards and upwards!

This is my aim - a rainbow in the sky. In my mind. Something that is beautiful. One moment created at that moment in time. I want my life to be moments like rainbows. All of them

M xxx